Lately I've been wondering how I could have done things differently in my life.
Motherhood is meant to be such a huge honour bestowed upon the women of good fertile fortune. It didn't take much effort, so to speak, to be blessed with two children. I don't regret either of them, but I feel so drained. I feel as if I'm a ghost of my former self. I miss the impulsive, stubborn, obstinate girl that did everything her way. Conjuring up a different dream each day. Two little people have stopped me in my tracks quite abruptly and have decreed that I plant my feet firmly back onto earth and grow the fuck up.
Some days I despise it. I don't despise them though. Oh no, I love my two little people to bits. I just feel like being a mother isn't the be all and end all of womanhood, though I should be thankful (natch).
If I'd gone down the conventional route, waited until my late 20's/early 30's to conceive and then space my pregnancies 2-3 years apart, giving me time to work on a career, and then work between children, things might have been difference. I fell victim to my own impulse, however.
I'm such a moocher when it comes to wallowing about my past. The what could have beens in general. Education/love/work/ etc. Then again my Husband tells me my biggest flaw is that I'm never happy. I guess he's right. My mind is always one step ahead, formulating my next move. Only now it's more of a fantasy of the choose-your-own-adventure variety, rather than grand plans to look forward to.
I hate being jaded, but I do believe that I am starting to fall into this stagnant state of mind. I need to snap out of it quick smart.
I'm hoping my two month get away back home will give me a refreshed point of view. Naturally many arguments with my dear mother are on the cards, but I'm looking forward to it, in a masochistic kind of way. To be a daughter again, is something I can't wait to be.
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